Some board games can be complicated to understand at the best of times.

I’ve wasted many evenings, head held in hands and hunched over my table, vainly trying to work out the basic rules to something like Race for the Galaxy or Archipelago. 

The games I’ve compiled below might not be quite so complex, but they instill a deep sense of curiosity within in me and I simply must play them.

Behold, the list of stupid shit I would quite like to play.


High Gammon

high gammon

Not Backgammon. High Gammon. For high folk with higher ideals than the scum who play regular Backgammon.


Swack!

swack

Haha! Yay! Let’s play another round of Swack! Your turn, tee hee. Have a go and try to grab the cheese!

SWACK goes your fingers.

You’ll never play this game again.


Mostly Ghostly

mostly ghostly

I would pay good, good money for this spooky little number.

It’s at least 50% ghostly, and what’s more, it’s 100% fun.

Maths.


Pie Face

pie face

Look how happy she looks. The dad seems to be really aggressively egging her on too.

I think it’s the complimentary bow ties and ears that really bring this game together.


Slime Monster Game

slime monster

Matey boy on the left. His eyes. They tell it all. Not one of those children is enjoying themselves.

I’d like to know what the #2387 slime game thing means. The 2387th one?

Also, did you know that Mattel actually invented Slime®?


Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure

mr bacon

The idea of a anthropomorphised bit of bacon is taking part on a mad dash to his eventual death is kind of disgusting, kind of alluring.

Meatland sounds fun though.


Capital Punishment

capital punishment

A strategy game about capital punishment. My strategy would be to not commit serious crimes in states that still maintain a death penalty.


What’s in Ned’s Head?

whats in neds head

Deeply, deeply unpleasant. I especially hate the eyeball in the nostril.

But I would still like to try the 2003 Toy of the Year. I would also like to know where that QR code leads to.


The Backbone

the backbone

I just only love everything about this. The Backbone is just only for intelligent people, and is a certified wooden product – you can tell by the stamp.

They’ve managed to do a ® for the bloke in the suit with the shades. He himself is just only an ®. Maybe he’s ®’d the idea of wearing a dandelion on a smart jacket.

I wonder if the image if just only for illustrative purposes, or if the game is genuinely played on a board drawn on a third person’s back. Please be the latter.

Please.