As a child, Guess Who is an innocent game of trying to decipher who someone is without being able to see them first. A bit like a Tindr date but you know…for kids.
As an adult I prefer to play Guess Who in a different kind of way. Rather than ask anything about physical appearance, you have to rely on understanding how your opposition thinks. “Do you think they would smell?” “Would you like to go on a date with them?” An often naughty, potentially dangerous twist on a classic. Playing this recently though got me thinking, what ever happened to the old gang?
Well, after hours of scouring social profiles, local papers, cold calls and the GCHQ database this is what we uncovered.
Let’s start with Alex, one of the first faces on the board because his name begins with A. Except it didn’t always. Alex actually changed his name from Zachariah in order to get a prominent place and be able to declare himself the first and original guess who-er. After the early hype, Alex has gone back to his roots and now runs Zachariah and Sons law firm. He has no sons.
“Eric just refused to remove his hat! He kept making orders and demanding breaks every few minutes,” the game’s first illustrator tells me. Eric, a disgraced naval officer (a story for another day), took part in Guess Who in the hope of impressing and winning back his estranged kids who lived with their mother. “It’s no wonder she left him, he was a nightmare.” Eric would never see his 2 daughters again and moved to Sealand in 1997. He has no sons.
Richard has been in the game since the early ’80s and is still going strong. His early fame was great for his family and his new fortune allowed him to buy his elderly mother a new semi-detached house in the south of Wales. He’s tidied up his appearance but has always kept his feet on the ground. Richard is a guesser for the ages. He too has no sons.
Let’s talk about Anne. She was always the good girl, never got mixed up in any trouble until a brief relationship with fellow guesser Max took a dark turn. At first a normal relationship, his behaviour got more unusual to outsiders. They would say it was drugs, but in the relationship something darker was happening. A satanic ritual – details of which are too gruesome to mention here – would later see her put away for 4 years. Now a born-again Christian, Anne prefers to only stick to the good book and that is what got her back in favour with the Guess Who crowd. She is no nun.
Robert, ever the life of the party, is still a professional socialite and all-round entertainer, always bringing a smile to the face of everyone he meets. His cheery outlook on life was forever immortalised in his Guess Who portrait and he remains a fan favourite to this day. He has no sons.
Peter has tried to become Portsmouth South’s MP for UKIP 6 times. He has failed each time, once even finishing behind the “Unite against badger blite” party and failing to get his deposit back. A racist slur against a fellow Guess Who-er saw him out of the game for 12 years. He was brought back to reflect the changing political landscape and covert a new audience of conservatives and Brexiteers. He has no fun.
Alfred’s Guess Who fame may have been his undoing. After going missing in the early ’90s, his family had his picture posted in all the local papers and even on milk cartons. Most took it as a viral stunt for the new electronic Guess Who edition and laughed it off. Sales increased by 6% and Alfred was never found. He never met his son.
George never really recovered from his brief appearance on “Celebrity You’ve Been Framed”. If you can find the footage of the infamous incident, you know why he was never able the shake his new nickname “Gorge-yourself-on-profiteroles-full-of-bull-semen-in-front-of-your-family-and-friends-(who-are-in-stitches)”. He emigrated in 2001 and currently runs a small farm in Tasmania, but refuses to keep bovine. He has no chicken runs.
Anita, trying to hold on to her child-acting success for too long, submitted a 20 year old photo to the Guess Who board for approval. To her surprise, they accepted and she found new fame. After a brief eating disorder and a meltdown on the Graham Norton show, she has settled down and now knits for her 4 grandchildren. She hopes to one day make a big scarf for Prince George. She has 10 sons.
Finally, Frans. He has no sons.
Well, there are many more stories from the Guess Who gang but we hope this has given you some valuable insight into the game, which otherwise is mostly about hoping you get the white male and your opponent gets the woman in a hat.