I’m sat in my pants watching Narcos when a tear in the time space continuum rips open in front of me. It’s really annoying because it’s blocking the view of a big cartel shoot out. Fortunately for the tear it also starts buffering heavily so I have some time to kill.
A man stands before me wearing mostly tinfoil and clutching onto a laser pen that he shines around the room whilst making *woosh* noises from his mouth.
Tin foil berk: “I visit you from deep into the future. I have only a few minutes before the time portal closes and I think it is best I tell you what awaits you. I want to tell you about the many technological delights that have taken the board game hobby far beyond the primitive games of wood and card you are currently experiencing.”
Me: “Ok mate well, I’ll pause this for a minute but then I need to get back to it”
Metal wrapped nobber: “We have games that project holograms into your vision. Allowing you to finally act out the great battles that were once confined to your neanderthal mind.”
Glenn: “Right ok. Like Pokemon Go?”
Silver skinned annoyance: “OK YES, a bit like Pokemon go, but cooler because it tracks the cards. BUT I AM JUST STARTING…” He shines the laser pen into my eye for a moment.
Quantum leap wannabe: “Board games now are controlled by machines who commands vast armies against you. No longer are they just simple movement and random card draws. The games speak to you, command you and attack you, this is the beginning of Skynet”
Glenn: “Sounds a bit like the X-com game with app. It’s pretty good”
Time-travel jerk: “OK yes … it is X-com of which I speak, I forgot it was already out now. Well how about this!”
Virtual Card games
Terminator 6: “Your primitive deck building card games are now online and virtual. Unshackling them from the constraints of the physical realm has opened up many new possibilities. Cards duplicating themselves, transforming and evolving. It is unlike any card game you play in the meat space.”
Glenn: “Hearthstone? GOD I LOVE HEARTHSTONE. I’ve already spent far too much time and money on that game. What’s the new expansion like?”
Robo-love: “Well I err. I don’t actually play it but this kid on the bus looked like he was having a lot of fun with it. Fine. Prepare your mind to be blown because we have…”
Self Driving Cars
Broken tech prophet: “Your antiquated slot car racing inspired us to create a new experience. Self driving miniature cars that can zoom around a track all controlled by our telecommunication devices. They shoot lasers and lay bombs. It’s a bit like ye olde Mario Kart.”
Glenn: “Like Anki Overdrive? I’ve got it over there, it’s a bit expensive but it’s very cool. It’s not really a board game though. I guess you can put it on the table.”
Captain foresight: “Shit. I thought that was a real super future one. Well then. I know with 100% certainty this final one is going to have you wanting to leap through this time portal.”
Overexcited laser guy: “We do not even need to leave our houses anymore to acquire these boxes of delight. We can now materialise them ourselves with our replicating boxes. Paper and plastic forms itself into the very creations we desire. We call them…”
Glenn: “3D Printers”
Nostradamus 2.0: “Fuck. Yes.”
Glenn: “I mean that’s still pretty futuristic to me. I don’t have one, I don’t know anyone with one.”
Upset aluminium costume fella: “So … I can have that one?”
Glenn: “Sure guy, you can have that one. You really are from the future. I hope one day I can get brand new games without having to leave my house as well.”
Relieved shiny dude: “YES! Ok I must go, the portal is closing. Use the knowledge I have bestowed upon you. All of this will come to be in 20 years time, the year 2016.”
Glenn: “It is the year 2016”
Vanishing very-near-present man: “Oh, carry the 1. In that case you need to know now before it’s too late. Make sure you go to the doctor and ask about your…”
*WOOOOSH* The portal closed.